And neither should you. You probably won’t. After all, interest in this game from the over 8 demographic has been waning for years. Despite recent attempts to jazz things up with a fantasy draft, the NHL All-Star Game remains undoubtedly the least compelling event on the NHL’s calendar. Here are some issues I have with the game, in no particular order:
-Players are allowed to skip the game. Screw that. If the fans have to be subjected to endless marketing blitzes from the league about how great this game is, you can damn well make the players actually GO to this thing. Alex Ovechkin should be forced to play in the game as PART of his punishment, not given a free pass to go to Cabo for a weekend. Teemu Selanne shouldn’t be giving up his spot to a teammate. First, Corey Perry’s a dick. Second, the fans want to salute TEEMU, because they know he’s not going to be around much longer.
-They’re giving the proceeds to the wrong people. All the profit goes to the NHL players’ pension fund. In part, this is because the all-star game began as a benefit game for injured hockey players. Insurance, however, has made benefit games obsolete. Forgive me if I don’t want to make a charitable donation to a bunch of guys whose minimum salary is nearly 12 times the median American household income. Want me to pay attention? Give the money to charity. Divvy up the proceeds and let each participant in the game give the money to an institution that’s near and dear to him.
-It doesn’t sell the game. This is the excuse that’s always trotted out by defenders of the game. Recent hosts of the game, however, include Carolina (2011), Dallas (2007) and Atlanta (2008). Those teams currently sit 22nd, 28th and “we moved to Winnipeg” in NHL attendance. Clearly it’s having little to no effect on the markets it comes to.
The game needs to be put down. It’s nothing more than a chance for Gary Bettman to fellate Coca-Cola executives in a corporate box while the best players in the league try not to get hurt in a meaningless exhibition game.
(I apologize for that mental image. Here’s a cute picture of a cat to make up for it. This is Peter, and he’s available for adoption from the Vancouver Orphan Kitten Rescue Association.)
So it’s all well and good to spout off about the uselessness of the all-star game, but I suppose I should probably offer a suggestion on what I’d like to see instead. Simple: kill it. Take the all-star game out behind Scotiabank Place and shoot it in the back of the head.
Borrowing from a recent editorial in The Province, I think next year the NHL should look at combining the skills competition, which is still a somewhat watchable event, with an event people actually care about: the Winter Classic. I want the skills competition to be even bigger, though! Here’s my suggestion: every team in the league should hold an event like the Canucks For Kids Fund SuperSkills. Hold all the contests that occur in the NHL skills competition, and send the winners to the Winter Classic. Each drill would have representatives from all 30 teams (maybe 28, if the league thinks it better to exempt the teams participating in the Classic), and the winner of each contest wins a sizeable sponsored contribution to the charity of his choice.
The sponsors stay happy, the players would have something to actually compete for and Gary Bettman can still do naughty things with the CEO of McDonalds Canada in a corporate box at a major event, if he so desires. What say you?