When we last heard from Kenny Miller’s boot (hereafter known as Max Webster), he was boarding a flight to Sicily. On his lace was the defiantly beautiful and curvaceous ball (we’ll call her Alana) he slotted into the net back on June 16th in a game versus the New England Revolution. See here for the back story.
Their luggage included a 40 oz. bottle of Barbados’ finest rum, a pump and needle for when the love-life gets a little ‘flat’, a disk of shoe polish and small slip of AstroTurf on which to rest their weary studs and patches. All told, it had been a marvelous week spent drinking lager and ale and sipping margaritas beneath the patio lanterns at Hacienda Del Pancho’s cabin #14.
It was such a marvelous week in fact, that at the behest of his fine lady, Max Webster booked a five-night stay in Sicily to lengthen the dream honeymoon come true. The dream, however, was about to become a nightmare.
More after the jump.
Despite nicking whatever cash Kenny was keeping in his sock drawer, the size 10 boot known as Max Webster could only scrape together enough money to afford a bargain flight into Italy. Akimbo Alogo, their faithful bellhop at the Hacienda, tried to warn them that flying Air Raoul during hurricane season was a poor decision, but the pair were undeterred.
“I am a wild party,” stated Max Webster, defiant and confident in his decision. It was a show of brash, sheer machismo for his lady Alana.
Air Raoul took off from Grantley Adams International Airport the night of July 2nd and was scheduled to arrive in Sicily at 3:02 am July 4th, local time. Flight #09 would never arrive at Falcone-Borsellino Airport.
The miniscule 1952 Beechcraft Bonanza went down over the Atlantic after being throttled by a freak storm, sending the entire crew (i.e. Raoul) into a feral frenzy. Racing back to the cabin to scavenge whatever he could before ejecting from the plane, the devilous Raoul grabbed the lovebird’s luggage, including the bottle of rum contained inside.
Now desperate for any supplies, Max Webster, still carrying on the façade of machismo calmly suggested “…might as well go for a soda.”
Alana furiously raided the Zap cola from the bar fridge before jumping out over the Atlantic, some 1600 kilometers off the coast of Portugal. The air coursed through Max’s lacing. It was an invigorating sensation that sent his tongue flapping. Alana could feel the atmosphere binding to her patchwork, gently curling her to the left. Memories of quality set pieces and perfectly struck 28-yard free kicks rushed past her as the parachute let out.
They were fortunate to find solid earth, touching down behind an abandoned fishing lodge on a small island known only as “Rockland.” The island hadn’t seen any visitors aside from the odd squirrely-eyed bush finch and turkleberry fruit-dove in the past 30 years.
Max Webster turned to Alana, who had descended violently through the forest canopy, and noticed that she had taken the worst of it.
“Alana!” he exclaimed. “You’re shakin’ like a human being!”
She had been punctured by a particularly robust tree limb and was gasping for air. Max searched frantically for a solution to repair her battle scar and save his beloved, but without the pump and needle, it was futile.
Max called out to the skies, “Curse you, devilous Raoul! Curse you and your fiendish ways!”
His heart sank as his bride slowly deflated before him, a single tear (read: /te(ə)r/) forming on his upper left stitch. As she passed her last gas, Alana stared lovingly into his eyes and gently whispered, “That’s a man…” assuring Max that he will forever be hers.
“Alana loves me,” he uttered, and commit himself to the mercy of the sea.
News & Notes
- Whitecaps FC are coming off a poor showing, dropping a 2-nil decision to the Colorado Rapids on Saturday.
- The loss dropped the club to the fifth and final playoff spot in a tight Western Conference.
- Evidence of just how tight the Western Conference is? The Caps are just 3 points shy of the second seed – the Colorado Rapids.
- They take on the fourth placed Los Angeles Galaxy this Saturday at BC Place. The Whitecaps are 2-3-1 lifetime versus L.A.
- Jason Kurylo didn’t like the BC Lions new 3rd jerseys. He’s out to lunch.