Tag Archives: Stanley Cup Final

Stanley Cup final prediction

I would love nothng more than seeing PK Subban carry the Stanley Cup into Montreal Children’s Hospital. I would totally get behind Pekka Rinne’s name on the Conn Smythe trophy as playoff MVP. I’d even sing along if Carrie Underwood twanged her way through a cover of The Good Ol’ Hockey Game by Stompin’ Tom.

Sadly for @PredsOnTheGlass and all the other country-fried hockey fans in Nashville, it’s not meant to be.

Sidney Crosby is going to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins to back-to-back championships, the first time a team has repeated since Steve Yzerman captained the Detroit Red Wings to consecutive Cups in 1997 and 1998.

The Pens are just too deep, too good, and they’ve been here before. Nashville are rested, yes, but they’ve also had time to cool off since their wins over the underwhelming Blues and the dirty, rotten, stinkin’ Ducks. From Sid and Evgeni Malkin down through rookie Jake Guentzel and beard salesman Nick Bonino, Pittsburgh just gets things done.

Nashville is an impressive unit, and they’ve earned their spot here in the final, but it will take a minor miracle (or some strategic injuries) to unseat the champs. Let’s just hope every single game is good hockey, because thus far this post-season has been damned entertaining. It would be a damned shame if the Preds’ first final appearance — and Sid’s third Cup win — was a dog.

Pens in six.

Sid wore this badass Gladiator helmet after winning the Cup last year. This year, will he go Lord of the Rings?

San Jose will win the Stanley Cup

The San Jose Sharks are going to win the 2016 Stanley Cup. Guaranteed.

Here’s why:

Sasquatch has gradually eaten Brent Burns since his entry to the NHL.
The evolution of Brent Burns, as documented by the makers of Making a Murderer.

1. Their beards are badass.

It all started with defenseman Brent Burns. When he entered the NHL a decade ago, he looked like any other surfer dude who learned that lettering in hockey meant a lifetime of babes, beer and ridiculous bling, dude. By 2013, well ahead of the hipster beard virus, he was a bloody X-File. Since coming to the Sharks, he’s found a new level for his game to go where he used to keep his shaving kit. Where his career high was previously 46 points (in 2010 with Minnesota), he’s racked up 48, 60 and 75 points in the last three seasons respectively. This guy has turned from a fair to middling blueliner with silly facial hair into a Norris Trophy candidate whose knowledge of beard oils and combs is sought out by superstars — like Joe freaking Thornton. Between the two of them and Joe Pavelski’s penchant for wearing his heart over the C on that uniform, the Sharks look like the American Civil War has risen again.

2. They know how to rebound from weird shit.

The Sharks may just have the oddest history in hockey. Remember, this is a league that features the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Down Goes Brown outlines it well here. Each individual playoff loss is all right; only one team wins it all each year, after all. But by the time the Sharks blew a 3-0 series lead against the Kings in 2014, they had dealt with own goals, traitorous stanchions and backroom deals that robbed them of first overall picks. (Canucks fans know about this feeling: imagine the 70s with Gilbert Perreault in the ol’ stink-in-rink jersey! Now give Eric Lindros to the Sharks in their inaugural season, and you get the idea.) After this collapse, Joe Thornton was stripped of his captaincy — which had been originally stripped from Patrick Marleau — and demoted to the rank and file.

This team has come back hungrier and hotter, bigger and badder from every single one of their misfortunes. Look for them to bounce off that Game One loss with a BONINOBONINOBONINO moment of their very own.

3. They’ve got a couple of milk hot dogs on their team.

Geno with a Thornton
Thornton’s beard is now a meme. That’s a good thing.

Kevin Bieksa famously referred to the Sharks with this colourful metaphor back in 2011. Frankly, he was right. From captain Pavelski, through beardsville, on down to Tommy Wingels and Brenden Dillon, this squad has proven to be a serious bag of dicks to opposition teams. It’s no surprise they’re the team to survive the shithot battles of California — they’re big, they’re bad and they have all the feels. Even Evgeni Malkin has grown a Thornton in honour of the Sharks first Cup final appearance.

It ain’t just chinrats and attitude. The Sharks play the wall as well as any team in the league. They have three lines that will eat up the boards and spit out scoring chances like SCA fanatics chewing organic, fair trade fake tobacky. Where Pittsburgh likes to skate and make things pretty, San Jose grinds you into paste, smears you into their beards and shoves your puck into the blue paint. They’ve got some genuine superstars in the mix as well. Thornton is an Art Ross winner. Marleau has over 1,000 points. Burns had 75 points this year. Pavelski is one of the most dangerous playoff performers of this generation.

Roll the Jaws soundtrack, boys and girls. Those Penguins are done for.

Prediction: Sharks in seven.


Last time: Pittsburgh will win the Stanley Cup.

Pittsburgh will win the Stanley Cup

Nick Bonino
Nick Bonino and his poor man’s beard will take the Cup. Guaranteed. Photo cribbed from the nest in Brent Burns’ face.

Don’t let the weather forecast fool you. There’s a cold wind blowing in Pennsylvania these days, and it’s guaranteed to land the Stanley Cup right into Pittsburgh for the fourth time in franchise history. Here’s why:

1. Well, duh. They won Game One.

If NHL.com can be believed, the team winning Game One of the final has gone on to win the Cup over 78% of the time.  To be exact, since the best-of-seven format was adopted in 1939, 54 of 69 teams have followed a Game One win with a championship parade.


The Pittsburgh Penguins create their own traditions, dang it.
May 26, 2016; Pittsburgh, PA, USA; NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly (L) presents the Prince of Wales trophy to Pittsburgh Penguins left wing Chris Kunitz (14), center Sidney Crosby (C), and center Evgeni Malkin (71) after defeating the Tampa Bay Lightning 2-1 to win the Eastern Conference Championship in game seven of the Eastern Conference Final of the 2016 Stanley Cup Playoffs at the CONSOL Energy Center. Mandatory Credit: Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

2. The Pens are bloody fearless.

When Pittsburgh waved buh-bye to the Tampa Bay Lightning after Game Seven of the Eastern Conference Finals, captain Sidney Crosby didn’t hesitate to touch the Prince of Wales trophy. Where others quail at the prospect of physical contact with a silver bowl not named Stanley, Sid skated right up to Bill Daly and grabbed hold of that bad boy and passed it around like a dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged at a young Republicans convention.. Don’t get me wrong: Crosby is hella superstitious; nobody on the team touched the Wales trophy when they advanced to the final in 2008. After losing to Detroit, however, they decided to switch it up the following year. In 2009, Crosby & Co. hoisted the bejesus out of ol’ man Wales, and that’s when they won their third Cup. A new tradition was born.

3. Nick Bonino

The Anaheim Ducks wrote him off, and the Canucks tossed him overboard. Hell, even  in Pittsburgh, Nick Bonino only had 29 points this season. But in the playoffs so far, he’s racked up nearly a point a game and ignited Phil Kessel on perhaps the best third line in this man’s NHL. His game-winner on Monday night wasn’t the prettiest goal you’ll ever see, but young Saint Nick picked a damned good time to put a dagger into the San Jose Sharks.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t include this outstanding call of that GOLAZO by Hockey Night in Canada’s Punjabi play-by-play crew:

He’s not known as a shooter, but he rifled a wicked wrister through Martin Jones with three minutes left in a tight contest. Bonino’s gone from also-ran to core player in a remarkably short period of time in Pittsburgh. Look for the man Raffi calls Boninophone to win whatever Unsung Hero award they give away in Pens land after the lift Lord Stanley’s greatest beer mug.

4. The Pens play a deadly north-south, firewagon brand of hockey.

Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are able to play on the wall — Glenn Healy is fond of running film that shows off Sid’s low centre of gravity and upper body strength — but they much prefer to skate the puck up the middle of the ice.  When they’re on, boys and girls, these two can create magic out there. Crosby is hungry right now. He knows a Cup this year will cement his legacy as one of the truly great leaders of this generation. It’s a banner that’s drooped since Jonathan Toews and Drew Doughty have put the Blackhawks and Kings on their backs over the past few years, so Sid is doing everything in his considerable power to shuck the “not a playoff performer” label he’s managed to acquire since consecutive final appearances in ’08 and ’09.

As long as the puck is moving back and forth, the Pens will scrub the Sharks into scoreboard submission.

Prediction: Pens in 6.

Coming up tomorrow: San Jose will win the Stanley Cup.

Congrats, Mr Doughty

Drew Doughty, that fella wearing number eight for the Los Angeles Kings is about to add ‘Conn Smythe winner’ to his resume. This will sit nicely beside ‘two-time Olympic gold medallist’, ‘two-time Stanley Cup champion’, ‘Norris trophy nominee’ and ‘filthy, stinkin’ rich cat who let’s face it ought to be able to afford better hair care’.

Drew Doughty puts his obscenely well-paid proof in the pudding. Actual pudding during the off-season, and outrageously solid play from October to June. Photo gleaned from the interweb.
Drew Doughty puts his obscenely well-paid proof in the pudding. Actual pudding during the off-season, and outrageously solid play from October to June. Photo gleaned from the interweb.

Godawful facial growth aside, Doughty is every bit the MVP, anchoring the back end of the most feared defense in the land. At just 24, he’s got credentials among active NHLers only rivalled by countrymen Jonathan Toews and Sidney Crosby. Barring injury, and assuming he doesn’t get bored, he’ll have built a Hall of Fame career long before he hits the traditional defenseman’s peak of 30 years old.

Continue reading Congrats, Mr Doughty

Because it’s the Cup

Notice it's FINAL. Singular. So yeah, stop saying FINALS with an 's' already. Logo stolen without shame from the interweb.
Notice it’s FINAL. Singular. So yeah, stop saying FINALS with an ‘s’ already. Logo stolen without shame from the interweb.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch the Boston Bruins and their road show of pulverizing ogres attack the fleet-footed wood elves that are the Chicago Blackhawks.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch the NHL showcase some of the shakiest referees to appear in playoff history.

Because it’s the Cup, I will scratch my head wondering how in hell the Hawks and Bs had never met in a final before now.

Because it’s the Cup, I will attempt — and most likely fail — to limit the number of times I use the word ‘douche’ to describe Brad Marchand.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Glen Healy and PJ Stock make unmitigated fools of themselves using only their words.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch countless people scream blue murder about whatever comes out of Don Cherry’s mouth.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Tukka Rask continue his impressive climb out of Tim Thomas’ borderline racist, definitely bizarre shadow.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Corey Crawford continue his impressive climb out of Antti Niemi’s I-can’t-make-an-adjectival-joke-here-because-I-still-feel-like-“Antti-who?” shadow.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Marian Hossa play like a frickin’ beast.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Zdeno Chara play as a frickin’ beast.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Jaromir Jagr make his first Stanley Cup Final appearance in 21 years.

Ohhhh, that's where Bolland is. Photo pilfered from the interweb.
You mean he is playing this year? Coulda fooled me. Photo pilfered from the interweb.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Dave Bolland — oh wait, no I won’t, because he pulled a disappearing act this post-season.

Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Jonathan Toews attempt to become just the second player, after Wayne Gretzky, to captain two championship teams before turning 25. Yes, Captain Serious was less than four years old the last time Jagr hit the NHL final round.

Because it’s the Cup, I will applaud these two teams even though they are roundly despised by pretty much every hockey fan in Vancouver.

Because it’s the Cup, I will hope and pray that the Hawks manage to score it up against the Bruins, because we as fans desperately need fast, creative hockey — not plodding, grind-it-out 1-0 yawnfests.

Because it’s the Cup, I will predict that the series winner will be scored by Brian Bickell in game 7 at the United Center.