In an age of hyper marketing, intense competition and tightly controlled PR, it’s amazing that truly horrible ideas can still make it past the brainstorming stage. Whether it’s the nightmare of design by committee or just a conflagration of mediocre talents pulling the wool over the eyes of out of touch rich CEOs, we occasionally see awful designs rolled out in an underwhelming explosion of anticlimax. Today, we analyze the most recent NHL obscenity with the resurrection of Somebody Approved This.
One month ago today, the Anaheim Ducks warned the world that they hated us all. Instead of disconnecting our cable, building shelters and indiscriminately hooking up with old flames, it seems that hundreds of people instead lined up to purchase a retro maroon Mighty Ducks of Anaheim jersey. You say you don’t remember, but you do: it’s the one replete with angled grey stripes and Disney’s duck-faced Jason mask.
During tonight’s game against the Ottawa Senators, the Ducks will wear these abomaroonations, play early 90s music, and charge just 93 cents for popcorn, candy and soft drinks. That’s right, folks, today you can look bad, sound worse and develop type two diabetes — all for a single greenback!
More, including the always-entertaining Withers Haiku, after the break.
Jersey: The retro Mighty Ducks of Anaheim jersey. Back in dark purple, grey, white, yellow and teal, the shirt sports a duck serial killer mask over crossed cartoon hockey sticks. Bonus: the 20th anniversary patch adds black, orange and the modern mustard brown Batarang to the mix. And I mean, thank god. What this needed was more colours and a superhero reference, right?
Years worn: 1993 through 2006. Note: okay, the jersey they wore for the vast majority of that time also had a massive teal triangle at the bottom of the jersey. But the ugliness at its very core remained the same.
Reaction: A lot of “That movie got me into hockey, brah!” followed by people who remember the 80s stabbing their own eye sockets with pen knives.
Most famous players to wear it: Teemu Selanne. No matter how many times I tell myself it didn’t happen, it actually did. le sigh. Scott Niedermeyer. Paul Kariya.
Why it’s great: Being a comic geek, I actually kinda like the artistic flair of the logo. I collected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics when they were gritty black and white underground stories. I also love cross-genre covers: may I present the Gourds singing Snoop Dogg’s Gin & Juice, for instance, or David Lynch hyper-eroticising The Wizard of Oz.
Why it’s garbage: Let’s not even go through the awful colour combinations, the connection to films that pander below the lowest common denominator, or the fact that this franchise won a Cup before the Sabres, Canucks, Kings or Blues. The reason this jersey makes me hurl is its association with Gary Bettman’s rise to power. Count von Count got Michael Eisner to open Scrooge McDuck’s vaults and pour money into NHL coffers as the ultimate movie tie-in. Imagine if Lucasfilm had bought a team and called it the Las Vegas Stormtroopers? Wait, actually that would have been awesome. Never mind that example. I think you know what I’m getting at. Bettman bad. Retro Bettman is the sports equivalent of listening to a macarena 12″ extended remix. With Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy on the B-side. That shit wasn’t a good idea at the time — if you feel the need to relive the nightmare, do so in the privacy of your own home. For the sake of all that is decent, don’t expose the general public to your particular brand of batshit crazy.
Haiku to describe Chris & Jason’s feelings of horrible, horrible déjà vu when they saw the Ducks retro jersey:
Dark purple and teal
Duck-billed spectres raise hackles
And Estevez smiles
Other jerseys we can’t believe somebody approved:
Somebody Approved This: Seattle Sounders 2012 Edition
Somebody Approved This: Canucks Mid-90s Third Jersey
Somebody Approved This: Adirondack Flyers New Years Eve Jersey