Usually, Whitecaps Wednesday is a time of celebration and mirth and, given the recent results of this town’s MLS squads, one would tend to assume that this week would be no different. However, after an introduction like that, one would need be on their sixth pint not to grasp that this week will indeed be different. Ladies and gentlemen of this fine city: we have a thief in our midst.
News (officially) broke yesterday that a large number of boots had been pilfered from the Whitecaps training facility overnight Monday. Head coach Carl Robinson is none too pleased about it, as relayed to us in the tweet below by the gracious and assiduous @Harjournalist.
Here is the full quote from @WhitecapsFC Coach Carl Robinson on the boot theft at the UBC facility last night. #VWFC pic.twitter.com/smyYUCdeBi
— Har Journalist (@HarJournalist) March 29, 2016
32. Thirty-two. THIRTY-TWO! PAIRS! 64 boots in total. You could dress a starting lineup three times over with a different pair of cleats each time, especially if you have that weird goalkeeper on your team who insists on wearing one boot. One could presumably use that number of cleats in place of sandbags in case of a flood.
To make matters worse, Caps defenseman Jordan Harvey outed that this wasn’t an isolated event. Tuesday night’s robbery was in fact the third such occasion upon which the Caps discovered their cleats missing before a morning training session.
So, wait. 32 pairs plus whatever they purloined the first two times? That’s a ridiculous amount of shoes with spikey things on the bottom of them. And a ridiculous amount of money – we could easily be talking about a value in excess of $20,000.00 here. In an effort to track down this caitiff scofflaw, I’ve compiled a list of my top three suspects.
Suspect # 3: UBC Engineering
This group of well-established Vancouver deviants have a long track record of public hooliganism (see below). Sure, this type of thievery would be incredibly understated from this group of geniuses but perhaps that exactly what they want us to think. It’s really the perfect crime. Close to home. Quiet and unassuming, yet impactful. Next thing we know there will be a giant sack of boots hanging from the flag tower at city hall emblazoned with a giant E.
Suspect #2: @Stuckonthesofa
Fellow Whitecaps fan and craft beer connoisseur @Stuckonthesofa is one of my favourites within the Twittersphere. His name on the microblogging site…Shoe Thief. I mean come on. Sure, his display picture makes him appear to be a cute, innocent puppy dog, but that seems a little too convenient, doesn’t it? Hey, if the (stolen?) shoe fits…
Suspect #1: Woogie
The hive-riddled weirdo from There’s Something About Mary has struggled mightily with an unhealthy shoe obsession. I’m not privy to his whereabouts these days, but the sheer volume of bogarted boots leads me to believe that the man is in and/or around the Point Grey area. The good news is he appears to have a conscience, so if the looted leather is in fact in his possession we may see it returned before too long.
In all honesty though, Coach Carl and the team has every right to be upset and while I’ve written a fluff-piece here, let’s hope that the culprit returns the property to the rightful owners. These are personal, custom-made belongings which undoubtedly hold more value to those that own them than they do to anyone else. Let’s hope for a happy resolution to the situation.